Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
