my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
