Only a mothe r could love this liver
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
