Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
