If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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