we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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