I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
