you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
