The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize