Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
