He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
