his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
