Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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