I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
