My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
