I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
