Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
