dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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