I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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