I'm going to jail i love you
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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