So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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