I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
