nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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