guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
