you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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