If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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