I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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