My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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