the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
