She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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