I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize