We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
