I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
