I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
