so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
