Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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