Your dad touched me again.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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