i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
