why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
