make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize