I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
