Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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