Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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