pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
