There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Randomize
