i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
