so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
