i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
