WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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