i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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