i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
