I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
