You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
