There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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