My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
