Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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