I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
