I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
